The Plans I Have For You.

I've never been one to get homesick. The only time that I've been homesick was right when I started college and once I got Biscuit, the miracle stuffed puppy, all was fine. Currently, however, my emotions and tear ducts are all over the place. I wouldn't say that I miss home persay. I love the farm and my family to pieces, but I was ready to head to St. Joseph and close up Christmas break. I'm homesick for Maryville. I know that, even if I weren't about to start student teaching I wouldn't be seeing my friends and be back on campus right now anyways, but it's the fact that right now, my friends are probably all going cabin crazy and will be going back to college in less than a week, and me? Tomorrow, I head off to Hyde for a professional development day which will be full of introductions and "tell me about yourself"s and terminology and curriculum and outlining expectations. Tomorrow, I start being an adult, to some sense.

I'm a college student, but I'm not. I'm an adult, but I'm not. I'm a teacher, but I'm not. Is all the student teaching really does is see if you can handle living in complete limbo without becoming a psychopath?

I'm already missing my friends to the point that I tear up a little bit at Wal-Mart when I look at the cheap elementary school Valentines, and the semester hasn't even started yet. The thing is that, while I know that my friends will always be there, our relationship is going to change. Not necessarily for the bad, but it will change, as it was bound to eventually. Whether I left first or we all left at once, at some point we were all going to go our separate ways and take separate jobs and make new friends and even start families. I don't regret hustling and getting my degree done sooner, but I wish so much that my friends were all about to start student teaching, that we were all scared together, that I'd jump on Facebook on Friday  night and see tons of statuses about how much of a whirlwind these first few days will be. Instead, while I'm figuring out lesson plans and TWS, they'll be working on their senior recitals (yay!) and jumping through education class hoops and taking the PRAXIS and waiting forever for their placements. I know that my friends will always be there, but things are changing and are going to keep changing.

Typically, I like change, as long as it is necessary and makes sense, so I don't know why this is gutting me so much.

I would like to point out, though, that despite the emotional casserole that I'm finding myself in, I have held up extremely well in the sense that a change that I was so looking forward to with Keith didn't happen when I was so certain it would. I'm still sorting out how I feel about that, but depressed and anxious aren't it. Look guys, I'm growing up!! :-P That relationship is changing too, although not in the drastic way that I had anticipated. I feel as if it'll change for the better, but at the moment, it's really throwing me off.

I love living with the Robins' and their dogs. They had some older people over for New Years and when I came home that night, I found that my bed had been "apple-pied". I don't quite know how to describe it, so look it up. I just figured that I had somehow not noticed it when I spent my first night here the night before, so I fixed it and went on. It turns out that the older Living Hope generation are ornery little cusses and I'm going to have to watch myself. ;-)

Tune in after a few days to see whether I collapse in a puddle of "what the heck am I doing" or if I rise victorious!!