I do want all of those. They aren't my main motivation, but when that main motivation won't cut it, the pursuit of those side perks sometimes do.
It's about being healthy. It's about being able to play touch football with my kids in ten or fifteen years. It's about not having to take two steps for each stair. It's about not having to worry about my heart or diabetes as I get older. It's about forcing myself to change my lifestyle. It's about developing habits so that I'll run off the baby weight each and every time. It's about not snacking on sugars when I'm at home being a mom. It's about setting an example.
"Self-discipline is forcing yourself to do things that you'd rather not do in order to get the results that you'd really like to have."
That's why I'm exercising and eating right this summer and every day after that. Maybe I didn't start this pursuit in the healthiest manner - I wanted to drop the weight fast and so I wasn't eating right - but I have realized that losing it slower, healthier, is going to give me better results and more "stickable" habits. And I've been making progress! At Curves, we have a weigh-in and measurement every month. I had one at the end of May. I haven't had one since then so the results have probably changed, but at that point, I had lost 30 pounds and 7 inches over the course of two and a half months. That's progress, done the healthy way! I can run two miles now easily and I'm working on my third (which I can do... just not easily). I ran a 5K all the way through. I've dropped two dress sizes (which are different from jean sizes since hips don't matter too much in dresses, but it's a start). My results on all of my strength training have consistently gone up. My heart is stronger, my lungs are stronger. I feel lighter. I eat better, and because of that, I have more energy.
It's been good.
But yesterday, I had my first "fat day" in a long time. I don't know if it's because I'm "a girl" right now and so I'm hormonal and bloated, or if it's because I'm seeing myself each and every day so change seems to happen slowly at times, or if I'm past the "easy pounds" stage and now it's going to get hard, but... well... since I've been working out, I've looked in the mirror and thought, "Way to go, girl! You're really trimming up!". And yesterday, I woke up, looked in the mirror, and thought, "You... really haven't changed that much. You're just as fat as you always were. Your thunder thighs are still huge. That spare tire is still there." Then all sorts of negative thoughts followed - Do you really need to eat lunch? How about doing your workout routine twice each day, because once a day obviously isn't doing anything. Or why work out at all? Just quit. You're a fat girl. Accept it. I even calculated my BMI online, which really was a bad idea because online calculators can't measure in muscle mass (they have an actual machine at Curves which gives a very accurate reading) and it said that my BMI was actually in the obese category. Obese? And here I thought that I was doing so good...
It was horrible. My self-confidence had been steadily increasing, and then it just bottomed out yesterday. I tried to fight it, but it was so hard. I woke up this morning feeling only slightly less negative. I haven't gotten my run in yet because it was raining this morning and still is, but the rain has cooled it down so I can run later today without consideration of heat. My Curves workout was really solid. And... I still see a fat girl in the mirror.
Whoever lived in this apartment before Laura and I apparently subscribed to Vogue. I hate fashion magazines because all it is is contortionist models wearing ugly clothes that are ridiculously expensive, and nobody smiles. Anyways, one of her magazines came in, and I've gotten into the habit after the first month of living here that I'll take bills and such to the post office to return, but if she hasn't gotten her addresses changed by this point, well, I'm not going out of my way to get the less important stuff (magazines) to her. So I kept the issue that came in today and thumbed through it. There was an article where they asked girls on the street what their favorite feature about themselves was, and I was expecting your usual answers. But it wasn't that. The girls answered very specific, individual things. It encouraged me. So, I'm making my own list, right here, right now. Maybe it's a little vain, but every girl is beautiful and every girl has things unique to her that makes her beautiful. I know that's true. I'm just having a hard time seeing it right now. I'm hoping this will help.
- My hair is really thick and has a natural texture to it, so it will basically do whatever I tell it to and hold updos really well.
- My eyes are dark and their shape lends itself well to contouring.
- I like my rosy skintone. It looks healthy and vibrant.
- Usually, I don't have breakouts!
- I really like my smile. It was worth the years of braces.
- This one may sound weird but... I like the skin on my arms. It's really soft for some reason, and the hair is really light and fine. How I managed to get that when I have thick, coarse, dark hair is beyond me.
- I like my butt and boobs. There, I said it. And now that I'm slowly getting a defined waistline, it makes those two curves all the better.
- My legs have gotten a TON of muscle build-up from all of the running.
- So have my arms. They're much more toned.
- I like my wrists and hands. They aren't the most petite, but they're graceful.
- I have the most grab-bag mix of facial expressions since I react to just about everything.
- I tan really easily and keep it for a long time.
- I have good posture. Thanks, Mom.
- Another one that might sound weird... I like my neck and collarbone. Both are becoming more shapely. Not that they really matter, but it's the little things. =)
- I like the freckles on my shoulders. My few, precious freckles.
That really did make me feel better.
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| I found this via StumbleUpon a while ago, and for some reason, it pumps me up. |
Girl friends (well, and guy friends too), pray for me. I can't let negative thoughts win, or I'll start being unhealthy in my pursuit of getting in shape. And thanks for all of the encouragement you've given me. =)
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