Not long after, I had a job interview via phone with a newly-opening elementary charter school in Kansas City. This job came out of nowhere, offered me an interview the day after I submitted my application, and everything about it was exactly what I wanted. I wanted so badly for the interview to go well. I prepped and prayed for days. The day of the interview was a snow day, but I still got up early and dressed professionally because all of the tips say that you will act how you dress. I got all of my materials ready. The resources lady called. The interview lasted twenty minutes. Twenty minutes of rapid fire questions, of apparent reading off of a script, of me being completely unable to connect with this lady in any way. I'm a talker and a people person. I very rarely hit a brick wall when communicating. Thinking back, I still don't think that I could have answered any of those questions better, but the interview was lifeless and when it ended, I felt deflated and discouraged. Somehow, I had blown it. This perfect job couldn't possibly be a consideration anymore. I went to the mall. I pampered myself with a manicure, which I haven't had in years and had been wanting. Then I went home. On my way home, I went grocery shopping and bought a considerable amount of chocolate on impulse in the process. That day, the only thing I ate that wasn't chocolate was my breakfast bagel. I hardly went over calories at all, but everything that I ate was chocolate. For a while, I felt better. Then, I felt guilty.
In my guilt and anger at myself, I threw any leftover chocolate away. Then Valentine's Day happened. I had an incredible day, and My Man spoiled me and loved on me and it was a great day. When it was all said and done, and I was in bed for the night, my heart ransacked my mind again. He didn't propose. Not that I necessarily thought that he would, but dang it, if he wants to get married this summer, what's his hold-up? When everyone in my life thought it would happen at Christmas... he and I had even discussed that idea, very vaguely... why is it now the middle of February and nothing has happened? I pulled the bag of M&Ms from my trash can and finished it off. I felt better. I fell asleep. And - there's a trend here - I felt guilty in the morning.
Where did my resolve go? If losing weight is 30% exercise and 70% diet, then what on earth did I think I was doing? Sure, I was under my limit, but tons of sugar and fats late at night? Is it any surprise that I've gained a few pounds back?
No.
My emotions and my stomach are not connected. If I'm stressed and need to get my mind off of things, I have a Kindle with tons of books, I have a keyboard and plenty of music, I have friends, I HAVE GOD AND ALL OF HIS TRUTHS AND COMFORT. Instead, I've been turning to food.
And this has to stop.
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