The Plans I Have For You.

I've learned a few things in my attempt to become healthier, like the necessity of various vitamins and where to find them, what serving sizes actually are, what to eat before working out so that I'm not craving afterwards, how weight loss works, so on and so forth. It's actually extremely interesting. I came across a term today that made me stop and think.

Fatorexia. 

I'm still figuring out what I think about this. The whole premise of the term is that, in the same way that those who struggle with anorexia constantly consider themselves to be fat even when they're blatantly not, those who are overweight or obese can view themselves as thin. At first, this idea seemed ridiculous to me. And then I thought more about it.

At 5'9'' and 238 pounds and a BMI of over 33%, where I was at the beginning of April, I was technically obese. Not just overweight, but obese. I didn't view myself as that. Sure, I had some extra weight that I probably should get around to losing, but I wasn't that fat. I would look in the mirror before heading off to school and think I looked pretty average. Really, it wasn't until I would see pictures with my friends that I'd realize how much bigger I was than them. Heck, I remember practicing in front of mirrors for show choir in high school and thinking the same thing. I thought I was pretty thin and healthy. In reality, I wasn't, but I wouldn't check in on reality. I never weighed myself, didn't think much of buying larger sizes (or would squeeze into sizes that I shouldn't), and spent a lot of time on my face and hair. And really, in a society that's becoming heavier and heavier, the cultural bar for "normal" keeps getting lower too. All sorts of studies have been done, and one of the statistics that shocked me, and shouldn't have, is that over 48% of obese people wouldn't even classify themselves as overweight. A few months ago, I would've classified myself as overweight, but not obese. That word just seems to carry such negative connotations with it, like it's lazy, greedy, gluttonous (speaking of that, if gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, why is it that it is never addressed like greed or lust or anger is?). Now, I'm overweight, I acknowledge it, but I'm fighting it.

So, yes, I agree that "fatorexia" makes sense because I didn't have a clear sense of how unhealthy I was either. That being said...

It shouldn't be about being "fat" or "skinny" or anything like that! It's about being healthy, which is a benchmark that is individual from one person to another, and it's about being confident. This body that I have was handcrafted for me by my King. It is a gift that is mine and mine alone, and not only that, it is a tool to be used to do the work, to stay on the mission, to bring the Kingdom here. And it's beautiful because He made it, and He doesn't make mistakes. Now, as a gift, I need to take care of it. That's what I've been learning how to do. But regardless of how it measures up to other numbers, or what size jeans I fit in to, or what category of health I'm in, I'm beautiful and perfect. I was beautiful before I starting trying to become healthier. I'm beautiful now. I'll be beautiful when I can run 5 miles and have lost 40 more pounds and maintain rather than lose. I'm always going to be beautiful.

And dear reader, whoever you are, you're always going to be beautiful too.